i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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