help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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