oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
