i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
