she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
