Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
