Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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