I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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