Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
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We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
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I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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