note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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