its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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