Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
