I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
