I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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