I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
