I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
