I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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