alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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