Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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