Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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