I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
