I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
