Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
