I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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