My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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