never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
