I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
