fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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