i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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