I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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