They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
