I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
