We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
