i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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