Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
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oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
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Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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