You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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