i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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