What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
