My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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