It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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