I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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