It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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