wrigley field is MILF paradise
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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