I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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