I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
