Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
