Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
