I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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