Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
