I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
All the doctor said was why
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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