I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
