Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
