as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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