Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
