The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
