im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
