ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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