Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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