Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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