I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
