I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
